We Need to Talk

Guys. We need to talk.

We need to talk about how we are talking to our kids. I don’t mean when you’re D O N E with the day and you’re a little shout-y or a little harsher than you’re proud of…I mean how we casually talk to them, about them – and most importantly – around them.

It is easy to forget that their ears catch all and then soak up the words that are indirectly used to describe them. Big. Giant. Tiny. Chunky. Too Sensitive. Too Shy. Too Bold. Too Loud. Soooo Dramatic. (Feelings are valid, yo! Even when you’re a wee little human)…And the WORST: the comparison of siblings. (and yes, even if you don’t want to admit it, I’m willing to bet you’re among the many.)

Hannah. Wtf. Where is this coming from? Honestly, it’s coming from a conversation a few nights ago with a friend that is actually the older sister of one of my oldest friends (so really, a friend found in the most unexpected of places but yet we have had parallel experiences)…and anyway, this conversation really struck me in a major way…soooo now I invite you to hop up on my soapbox with me, because it also comes from 32 years experience in this big bag of bones I’m partial to.

So the friend that I mentioned above is one that I’d describe as petite. Her husband isn’t a “big” guy by any means – he is a pretty average build. Their first daughter (who has hair that would legiterally make Kate Middleton super jelly) is also pretty average in stature. But put her next to her baby sister that has worked like a champ to put on weight, yet remains on the smaller-side, or next to her mother that is also built on the smaller side…and well…you get a lot of “Oh!!! She is SO big!!!” Or “Isn’t it funny that she’s so big and (sister) is soooo tiny!!!”

So let’s break it down. I realize that nobody means these things maliciously. Nobody says them to inspire an eating disorder or to make this sweet child stare at her body in a mirror and second guess every slight curve five plus years down the road…but intention isn’t what matters here.

What matters is this (very intelligent) child’s brain. To assume she doesnt register these remarks and won’t tuck them into her subconscious isn’t just insulting to her intelligence; it’s insulting to her as a young woman. It sets her back YEARS when she begins to question what is weird, right, wrong, standard, irregular, lopsided, or absolutely normal when it comes to her own body.

That’s pretty heavy, huh? A pretty bold reaction on my part to some casual statements, right?

So let’s place those statements into the context of adulthood. I’ve mentioned in previous posts that I’m bigger than I’ve ever been in my life. (We will also discuss this below). What if, at the park one day, somebody walked up to me and said “oh my!! You’re so much bigger than most 32-year-olds!!” Or “oh my!! You sure do look bigger next to that skinny mom!”

Ideally, you’re appalled by the above scenario (and if you aren’t…dude stay out of our park because I cannot handle that trauma). Ideally, you cannot imagine damaging a fellow adult in that way. Ideally, you’re starting to realize that the adult would walk away with those words plastered all over the billboard of her brain just like that little girl would. Except the adult knows them for what they are and the little girl will struggle to unincorporate those from her psyche as she ages.

As promised…back to that extra weight I carry. Also coming atcha? A big ol’ exclamation point on my main point.

My body is currently carrying more extra weight than it ever should. I say this because I know this about my body. I am familiar with this vessel – I know that something is going on and that is why I, an adult with years of experience in this particular vehicle, have sought out and am working with doctors that will help me be healthy again. A decade ago…15 years ago…I didn’t know this ol’ girl. I purged over toilets and I stopped eating before fasting was cool.

I heard people tell me that I was taller/bigger/probably going to be taller than all of the boys in my class/etc. and I held those words to be fast and true. I did things to this amazing body (that I now love and respect because it gave me and fed two children) that I tuck deep into a mental space I cannot revisit. A space I refuse to revisit because those words spoken 25+ years ago still carry weight. I gave pieces of myself away trying to be worthy of the “ideal”. I mistakenly equated my self-worth with my body image and acted accordingly…because I didn’t know. I didn’t have the luxury of knowing what I know now.

I have promised to be real with you guys and there you have it. That is what happens when you make casual remarks about children and the things they cannot control.

Again – nobody wants to do this. Nobody means for these things to happen. Nobody is shaming you…but since you now know what I know…let’s do better?

Instead of remarking on somebody’s body to make casual conversation or a passively silly remark, just silently acknowledge that she’s “bigger” (it makes me feel icky to even say that because she’s literally “just average”). Silently acknowledge that the little boy you see is smaller than his sister or his best friend. He can throw a ball, catch up in tag, and wrestle among the rest – I promise you.

Instead, find something you admire (determination. That amazing head of hair. How they care for their siblings. How well they breathe oxygen and then convert it into carbon dioxide…literally anything!!!) and run with that.

I say this as a plea for our children everywhere because even though we’re the okayest, we all want to work for (not against) these babies being the best versions of their selves possible.

So again…I beg of you: before you compare or make light of something, consider if you’d say that same thing to an adult or if you’d be proud to say it to that child at 15-years-old when they’re learning how to love the body that will last them a lifetime. I promise you, the girl that one day might look at her body and not have your casual statement mentally tattooed upon it thanks you. She will be so glad to keep those pieces of herself FOR herself – and it is one of the greatest gifts you can possibly give without even knowing it.