Love Letters to My Children: I Will Always Love You Longest

I love you deep in my bones and at the top of my lungs. Your mere existence is like a lifeblood running through me. I pray that you know this and that you know that you were always enough. You will always be enough – more than I ever deserved.

To the little boy that made me a mommy:

This morning, I left you in your bed for what I thought was a quick trip to the OB to check on baby sister. Daddy had gone to work and I had a promise of meeting up with you after for a playdate. In the meantime GaGa had everything in control – and I knew I’d see you in an hour for our playdate. And now I’m sitting in Labor and Delivery and wishing I’d just crawled in bed with you and snuggled one last time – one last time with my back turned to the world without a care of what happens within it; just you and me, bud. Just you and me.

When you first asked for a baby sister, I had a giddy little feeling in my heart and your daddy quickly told you that “they just don’t make girl Agnews” – but nevertheless you persisted in your pursuit of a “baby sisser.”

I’ll tell you something neat – we never had the chance to tell you that I was having a baby because about 2 weeks after we knew, you walked up to me, pointed to my belly, and said “I can’t wait for my baby sisser to get out of there.”

We couldn’t believe it. We certainly didn’t believe you in saying we’d have our girl. But here we are, hours away from you meeting the “baby sisser” you summoned to us.

This is exciting and it’s the moment we’ve been waiting on – it really is – but I’m nothing if not terrified. I am terrified that our relationship will change and I won’t know how to navigate having two little ones. Yes, they say a second heart grows and you love your second child as much as your first…but how could I possibly? How in the world could I ever fathom loving somebody as much as I love you?

For 26 years I lived a happy life that had very little point and then you came in and made my whole novel worth reading. You were the plot twist I needed. You were the answer to every single prayer I couldn’t put into words. In four years, I’ve loved, worried, and prayed more than I ever have before.

We have spent four planting seasons together, counting down the minutes until ol’ Dad gets home for very different reasons (you wanted a new playmate and I needed to take a “breather” – you’ll understand this one day, I promise).

We have weathered nights in the hospital together. We have watched every Disney movie ever made together. We have both broken down in tears together because this Mama couldn’t fix whatever it was that ailed you. We have explored, painted, imagined, learned, failed, tried again, discovered, and believed impossible things together. And you are my very best friend.

You taught me how to be a mama. Your baby sister will reap every benefit of the long days and nights of lessons you had to teach me to get us to this point.

For four years we have grown this spectacular bond that I can’t even put into words. You are my heart. All of it. You are every last good thing I know of and I just fear so deeply that you won’t know this. That you’ll maybe feel like you weren’t enough for us so we had a sister to pick up the slack. Or that you’ll wonder why our relationship changed or why Mama doesn’t have the time she once had that was all for you. I worry we will lose us.

I love your sister and God knows I love you. I love you deep in my bones and at the top of my lungs. Your mere existence is like a lifeblood running through me. I pray that you know this and that you know that you were always enough. You will always be enough – more than I ever deserved.

For four years you have been my greatest adventure, and your daddy and I have loved every second of it. We weren’t sure what we were doing but you patiently gave us grace and taught us what you needed us to know as parents (and accommodated the learning curve in the process – thanks for that!). Today, we take you along as we start this next adventure – the three of us learning together how to fit baby sister into our tight little tribe.

You are the child of my heart, sweet boy. I will love you both, but I will always love you longest. Thank you for being wonderful you, and thank you for making me a mama.

Away we go on this adventure! Let’s hope she sleeps late and loves exploring as much as you do!

Always,
Your Mama